A Guide to Perfect Sarcasm and Comebacks (For All You Amateurs)

Sarcasm. It's the essence of life! I can live for a while without food, a day without water, but I can't spend even an hour without it. Everyone knows what it is, but no one fully appreciates its value. As a very wise person once said, don't argue idiotically with idiots, because they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. So, during arguments, instead of resorting to crude, vulgar swear words, take the more erudite option - sarcasm and cool comebacks. Once you master this art, bullies, irritating siblings, and imbeciles in general don't stand a chance. Ready to learn? Then, say hello to your coach...

When do you use it?

I'm sure all of us have had situations in our lives where we've been verbally bullied, or where someone just put us down, and told us we wouldn't go far in life. For those of us who are shy, it can be hard to reply at such times, and our self-confidence starts ebbing out of us. This means, essentially, that we're letting the bullies win without even putting up a fight, and obviously, no one wants to do that. That's where sarcasm comes in. It tells them, in more subtle and cultured terms, that you don't put up with shit. You need to show them that you have a voice, and a brain, and you're not afraid to use them.

How do you use it?

This is the tricky part. When it comes to sarcasm, you have to be very exact. You don't want to be too rude when dealing with smaller issues. Here's what to do...

• When people ask you questions that have obvious answers, give a crazy answer instead, coupled with an eye roll, like:

1. Are you asleep? No, I'm training to die.
2. (*at a supermarket*) Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, you know, signing a nuclear arms treaty.
3. (*when you're late*) Where were you? Me? Hunting elephants.

• When people insult you on a personal level, like when they body-shame you, call you a nerd, make fun of the way you look, or insult you're intelligence, you can get a little ruder. Most people do that as a last resort, when you've bettered all their other arguments. Here are some things you can say: 

1. (for body shaming) I'm fat, so I can diet. You're stupid, how do you fix that?
2. I'm fat, I have a temporary caloric imbalance. You're stupid, you have a permanent genetic disorder. Tell me, which is worse?
3. (when someone tells you you talk like an idiot) Of course I talk like an idiot, how else would you understand me?
4. (when someone calls you a nerd) I prefer the term intellectual badass.
5. Better a nerd now than a McDonalds waitress later.
6. Congratulations! You finally figured out that I'm smarter than you!
7. (when someone calls you ugly) Excuse me, but I'm not a mirror!
8. Oh please. 90% of your 'beauty' could be removed with a Kleenex.
9. (when someone calls you weird) After seeing how you "normal" people behave, I prefer being weird.
10. I'm not weird, I just fall outside your exceptionally narrow view of the world.
11. (when someone calls you bossy) That's because I'm the boss.
12. (when someone is judgmental) It's funny how the people who know me least have the most to say about my life.

• When someone really takes it too far and insults you very badly, you go full-on rude. Be careful when you use these:

1. (When someone rants and raves about how much they hate you) I'm sorry, I don't speak idiot.
2. (when someone has a double standard) Oh, I'm sorry you got offended the one time you were treated the way you treat everyone else all the time.
3. (when someone roasts you) Quit trying to act like a smart ass when you're just an ass.
4. It must be difficult for you, exhausting your entire vocabulary in one sentence. 
5. Since you know it all, you should know when to shut up.
6. (when someone keeps interfering with your life) Maybe you get a life and stop interfering with mine. 
7. Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realize you were such an expert in my life and how to live it. Continue while I take notes.
8. (when someone tells you you'll never go far in life) Yes, but you will. And I hope you stay there.
9. (when someone does something completely abominable) You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
10. I'm not saying I hate you, but if you were walking down the road and a bus hit you, I'd be driving that bus.
11. (when someone calls you a loser) Ignore people who tell you to be yourself. Bad idea in your case.
12. (when you need a really cutthroat insult) Two wrongs don't make a right. Take your parents for example.
13. I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as well as nature did.

How does it help?

Sarcasm has many benefits. Making good comebacks is a great way to show people that you aren't a scared little person who's easily cowed down. It also increases self-esteem. Sarcasm between friends can help to enhance creativity. Researchers have said that the ability to have quick sarcastic replies and comebacks at hand is a sign of a healthy brain (in which case I have one of the healthiest brains on the planet). 

That's all, folks...

I hope you enjoyed reading this. Please let me know your feedback via comments. I'm a huge lover of sarcasm, intellect and all that is badass, so if you share my interests, visit my blog for a Weekly Wit post, and you will not be disappointed.